BFN after BFN.
No more ambiguously smudgey lined tests. Only negative. Beta is tomorrow at 8:10 am, I should get the official negative results after 2 pm.
Trust me, I have trolled the Internet all day searching: HPT Negative, Positive Beta? Negative HPT 14dpo, positive beta? And on and on.
Has it ever happened that someone got negative HPTs and tested positive for Beta, yes.
Is it likely that it explains my BFNs. No.
And so begins the process of grieving a loss that never existed to anyone but DH and me.
I feel pregnant. My uterus is cramping like last time. My vagina smells like freshly turned dirt like last time. The only other time I felt these cramps or smelled that smell was when I was pregnant.
My head is saying: you’re not pregnant, stop googling remote possibilities and start accepting.
My body is saying: I am pregnant.
And my heart is torn.
I want to hold out hope, but I never want to feel like I did after my first IVF cycle, where I listened to well meaning advice that said, “It’s not over until you get a negative beta.”
We all say that to each other on message boards, forums, Facebook, in person, email, texts. I do it too. I just feel so badly for the person, I want to stretch out the hope a little longer for them and hey… you never know.
But I do know. We all know. It’s over. It is. I have peed on every stick known to (wo)man and they all say the same thing: not pregnant.
I wish my body would get the message, because the crazy thing is: I love this feeling. The cramps bring back the memories of my short lived pregnancy and how excited we were, how we cried tears of joy and how we marvelled at the knowledge that my body was carrying life that we made.
Symptoms… may as well do this one last time
- heavy/dull pressure in uterus
- darker urine, new smell
- frequent urination
- Vivid dreams
- acne breakout