The 2 WW never gets any easier

I had hoped the 2 WW would breeze by this time around, but I’ve already started symptom spotting.

I felt knackered last night, so I googled ‘extreme fatigue 2dpo pregnancy symptom?’. Of course I found a tonne of forum posts to keep me occupied on the topic.

Today I woke up with a rash on my neck and chest and googled that, too.

The wonderful thing is, no matter what symptom you google and no matter what dpo you connect it to, someone else has too. Sometimes my most random queries auto fill on their own accord. I was once typing ‘8dpo early pregnancy symptom f….’ and google finished it for me with ‘farting’ which was exactly what I was going to type.

Thanks google! Glad to know I’m not the only one farting a lot at 8dpo.

I dunno. I feel like I’ve said all this before. A million times. And somehow, every time, feels like the first time (that’s a song, right?). But it’s also getting old. How many times can you gear up? And anyone who says: “well don’t gear up then” is either a) blissfully ignorant to IF or b) highly drugged. How do you not gear up? I’ve just spent the past month searching for and settling on a donor, filling out paperwork and legal agreements, tracking my ovulation date and had sperm delivered via a helicopter. TWICE. That’s not ‘un-gear-up-able’. You have to gear up for an undertaking like this.

Every time any of us with fertility issues tries to get pregnant it’s a BFD.

And I for one, am tired of it. (Can you tell I’m feeling grumpy?). I sometimes wonder if I should just give up on being a mother. That negative voice in my head always helps a lot by chiming in: you are pretty old…. And then there’s the debt. And my job situation. I only stay in this work and in this city because it’s ideal for kids (and paying down IVF debt). If I hadn’t been waiting around to start a family all this time, I would have moved on a long time ago. DH and I discussed starting over in Louisiana, kid free, before we started IVF. Both ideas were scary/exhilarating but I couldn’t give up my dream of being a mother. Now I wonder if I chose wrong, because clearly, the universe isn’t cooperating. Is it a sign? Does the sheer lack of a healthy pregnancy count as a guidepost to a different choice in life? I don’t know, but I do wonder. Only now we have so much IVF debt and our house has gone down in value, that we’d be screwing ourselves if we did decide to start over.

So sometimes I feel like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

But mostly I just feel pissed off.


2 thoughts on “The 2 WW never gets any easier

  1. “I sometimes wonder if I should just give up on being a mother. “–yes, we’ve all wondered that from time to time! But I don’t think I’d get the choice to give it up or not–the choice would be made for me by the universe, and I’d just have to deal with it. Everyone I know who’s persisted and finally had a baby were glad they never gave up….and everyone who kept trying & trying & trying, only to be unsuccessful wished that they had given up already (and some were downright pissed with their RE for not telling them to give up).

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