I can breathe around baby stuff again

We’ll there is one upside to having a shorter cycle: less waiting between attempts!

My next anticipated date for ovulation is sometime late next week, March 25-27, though that could shift.

Our donor is going to be away for the April cycle, so I’m trying to make sure I nail the timing. But other than that the cray cray is at an all time low.

We’ll do two shipments. Best case is if I can get a delivery as soon as I start seeing an LH surge and then a second the day I get a clear positive on an opk.

I’m still kind of in shock about how relaxed I’ve been these last few times. It’s healthy, but a little part of me worries: does this mean I’ve given up? Did I stop hoping because it was hard or because I realized it was hopeless?

Worse is the question: Am I fickle? Is it normal to have your baby lust taps cranked up to 11 and suddenly dial it back to two? Is it because the last time I was pregnant was 10 months ago (May 2013!). Have I forgotten how to be cray cray?

I don’t know what the answer is. But I do know I can pass through the baby section at Target now without getting that wahhhhhhhumphhfff feeling of being punched in my gut anymore.

Yesterday I went on my ikea app and skipped over the baby section. What?!?!

Suddenly our friends’ complaints about parenthood and how hard it is and how much their marriages and emotional health is suffering, is sinking in again. I used to hear that stuff and my brain would go “nanny nanny fu fu la la la baby,” glossing over the hard parts. Don’t get me wrong: I know it’s hard, but I didn’t care because human beings keep doing it, so it can’t be all that bad. Plus I wanted to have those problems.

Sunday, for example, I was tired and cranky so I took a glorious nap. It was a good nap. I drooled like it was my job. (I NEVER drool when I normally sleep, but when I nap, yes! Why is that?) and when I woke up I thought: damn, what if I had to stay awake all day because I was breastfeeding a baby?

And then there’s my job. Don’t even get me started, I try to keep this blog work free should I ever get ‘outed’, but holy fuck. Let’s just say when they gave me my iPhone it was’t so I could fill it up with apps like fertility friend and period tracker…. (Though I definitely did it fill it up with ‘vagina apps’ as my DH calls ’em.) Some nights are better than others, but for the most part, I’m on my phone until 8 pm for work. And yes, there are some nights when nothing big enough happens that requires me engaging. But I’m still looking, checking, even on the quiet nights. I go to bed at 9. So that’s an hour. How will I do that and look after a toddler properly without overloading DH?

Maybe I’m just looking for positives to not having children, to lessen the blow. Dunno. But I’m starting to count the days until we have agreed to stop trying. Seems like that’s a more reliable date to work to than getting too caught up in the dream anymore………


One thought on “I can breathe around baby stuff again

  1. Hi
    Just found your blog on google the other day and ended up reading your whole story!
    It’s been two years since your last post. How are you today? What happened since you decided to quit trying?
    Hope you are well!
    Kind regards
    Bruna Leite

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