18dpo or 5 weeks – this sucks

And so begins the wait to find out exactly how this pregnancy will end.

And when.

Yesterday sucked.

So does today.

Last night I went between feeling numb and then looking around the room and thinking, “wait, is this actually happening or am I just worried it will happen… oh no, it’s happening.”

I really couldn’t process that it was actually happening.

Again.

Any way you slice it, this pregnancy is over. If it’s uterine, the hcg is low and not doubling (my clinic also said they never liked how low it was and that at 17dpo, even 212 would have been low, so, I guess it was always doomed). If it’s ectopic (they mentioned it as a possibility – low starting #’s, early implantation/hpt, etc) then that’s definitely a done deal.

Add in the bleeding, the spotting, the lighter tests (they are definitely getting lighter from 16dpo on) I think the best thing for me to do is hope it’s not ectopic.

If it’s ectopic and the hcg hovers like it did last time, I’ll have to take methotrexate to end the pregnancy and that means 3-4 months of not trying due to folic acid depletion. That or commit to the natural route and risk a haemorrhage and 1 fallopian tube. (As of right now, my preference is natural, given the pain associated, I think I’ll know if my fallopian tube is about to burst, but who knows, some women are a-symptomatic….)

At 4 am I gave up obsessing and started working, including sending emails at 4:15 am (which netted me some interesting replies from colleagues beginning at 8:00 am). I’ve written 3 how-tos, a communications campaign, 2 articles and did a wireframe for a project I’m working on. I’m going to crash soon, but I feel like everything is pouring out of me. A million words. A million thoughts. All swirling so fast and I all want is to go back to thinking I am pregnant.

Delete the stupid fucking baby app. Hide the baby onesie I got for DH. Tie all the positive pregnancy tests in a ribbon and put them in the bedside drawer with all the others. Call all the people I told I was pregnant and tell them I’m not. Switch from decaf back to regular. Stop looking at my house as if a baby might soon be coming into it and wondering what I need to do to get ready. Avoid reading any journal entries, Fb messages, texts, emails, posts or notes I wrote when I thought I was pregnant. Take the “guided pregnancy meditation” video off my iPad. Put the baby book away. Throw out the draft ‘baby essentials’ to-do list. Stop any and all thoughts related to pregnancy, babies or children dead in their tracks.

I am not saying I’m suicidal. At all. But I am saying I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t know for how long. A while. A bit. Just to sleep through this so I don’t have to feel it so much anymore. This wanting, yearning pain for something that I keep losing and may never have. It’s starting to feel like I am hitting my ceiling for loss.

Tomorrow’s beta result won’t come until late because I wasn’t able to get an appointment until 10 am. I’ll update when I get them. I’m preparing myself to get an erratic result.

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10 thoughts on “18dpo or 5 weeks – this sucks

  1. Honey I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this again. If I could do it for you I would in a heart beat. I’m not sure if I have your address, I would like to send you a care package

  2. Girl, I’m here. I’ve been where you are so if you need to vent – I’m here. I’m so, so sorry it’s happening again.

  3. I am so sorry you are at this point. My thoughts are with you. This may sound weird, but it is good you are letting yourself feel this way. Better than pretending nothing happened. I hope that in the days to come you continue to feel and begin to find clarity and peace once again. In the meantime I am f*cking pissed off for you as well. It is just stupid that this has to happen. *hugs*

  4. My thoughts and heart are with you right now. The world is so supremely unfair sometimes. I’m so sorry you’re living through this. I’m thinking of you and wish I could give you a giant squeeze.

  5. I’m so, so, sorry. The honest feelings that you are writing bring back so many memories. I remember feeling exactly the same way. Thinking of you.

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