K. Here we go.
Little dude is sleeping and tomorrow is embryo transfer. It’s a 5 day old embryo, we’re doing assisted hatching. Unlike times in the past where I had a rolodex of info about lining, hormone levels and other bodily fluids, I really don’t know what’s going on aside from just going with the flow.
I take my meds and it’s low key.
I know what works for me, so I took off 2 weeks post transfer to avoid emotional work stress. Oh, and I’m doing intralipids.
Smoochie is about 2.5 years old. I might be biased but he is so cute it should be illegal. His talking is just starting to really into conversation and the stuff he says has me LOLing all day. He cracks me up. His favourite phrases are “OH WOW” – in a fake tone he imitates from me when someone shows me something I don’t give AF about. He also likes to talk to the dogs, “Boys! Come inside boys. Googoo, you wear diaper. Toro, put down sock.” He’s obsessed with motorcycles and his chore is feeding the dogs and cat. It makes a huge mess and I don’t care because it’s beautiful to see him caring for his fur sibs.
He’s obsessed with motorcycles and almost every night we take him and the boys to a 3KM loop of dirt trail by our house to let the boys go off leash and Smooch ride his motorcycle after dinner (It’s a push bike, no pedals). He says, ‘Mama! Watch me! Watch me! I speedy!” and I race beside him.
We’ve seen otters, herons, cranes, coons, owls etc at the loop and I love that he’s able to see all those creatures and learn about them. We’re very interested in birds and this summer we made a bunch of bird houses and hung them in the pear tree so we can watch the fledglings next spring.
I try and make sure I drop the whole “we needed help to make you, we got man parts and lady parts and together, they made you and the Dr put you in my tummy” whenever it felt right. Which was useful because now he knows another baby seed is going in my tummy. He has no idea, or really couldn’t, what that means but if you ask him about it, all on his own he’s decided he’s getting a brother named Cookie. I swear this DID NOT come from us!
If it doesn’t work, we’ll try again. And if that doesn’t work, okay. We’ll regroup and I’m in counselling and I’ll dig in and do the work and already though, it’s different. There’s already a gentle acceptance that he may be our only and in many ways, now that he’s here, there is certainly a part of me that sees the benefits of only one child.
(Quick n dirty – sleep, hormonal anxiety worsened by sleep deprivation and painful body stuff – aside from $ and stress of two kids. And as compelling as those things are, I knew the biggest thing would be regretting not trying, so here we are.)
And if we do have a second, well, double the fun!
What’s he like? I think he’s an introvert and I think he’s a feeler. His complete devotion to me and his unfailing faith in me that I will protect him and give him the space he needs to figure out life, gave me the courage to change my life, too. On the outside, things are the same. Inside, I’m lighter thanks to him.
He has a really good laugh and a crazy love of music. It’s off the charts. His male donor played guitar and holy fuck, he is DRAWN to string instruments. He has a guitar and ukulele. I am taking him to lessons for guitar when he turns 3. Right now, we just try and show him the chords – but we don’t know how to play and so it can be a fun mommy son thing down the road.
He loves animals and is very gentle by nature. Anyone who’s taken care of him for any period of time says things like: gentle, soft, cuddly, easy going. He’s very easy going, except if he’s hangry and then that makes sense to me, so I don’t stress it. I get hangry too!
I really like how he shares his toys and doesn’t get miffed if someone takes something he’s playing with. He just moves on. Like he genuinely doesn’t care. Well, that’s not always true, there’s been a few times when he was not happy and in those cases I backed him because he had the toy grabbed from him. (He only ever gets upset if an older kid does it, he doesn’t mind if younger kids do it, it’s like he understands that younger kids don’t know what they’re doing – which I guess make sense because he’s currently the ‘oldest’ at daycare?) I guess I just find it adorable that he’s like mommy. He already seems to have a little code for life that involves being understanding towards younger kids.
In terms of stuff we have to manage, right now it’s anything to do with technology. He turns into a zombie if somehow finds an iPad or iPhone. Oh vey. We go to great lengths to hide technology and remotes. Peppa pig and Sesame Street are his favourites and I’m now past my mom guilt phase where I felt a little queasy if I let him watch for an hour.
But then I realized:
a) It ain’t no one’s business but ours
b) I think the recommendation is 15 mins a day? Whatever. I’m putting it on because he’s sick, I’m sick, we’re all sick or I need to cook something or do something for longer than 10 minutes and since when does a home cooked meal, a load of laundry and drilling in a new light fixture take less than 15 mins…. PFFFT. Damn right big bird is my baby sitter!
c) He has a great life and he does tons more enriching bougie shit than I ever did and I’m awesome, so it’ll be fine.
d) Mom guilt is a tool of the devil and the more I shake it off, the more I love momming.
Smooch still sleeps in his crib and has not figured out he’s a giant big mclarge huge who could easily climb out. EASILY. He is naturally cautious, which does not match his face and body – he looks like a wild child with a devilish grin and sparkle in his eyes – but is hesitant like a 75 year old grandpa! THANK GOD. Even now, he still only does baby slides and usually only after a LOT of investigation.
If you saw him, you’d say I was in denial and he’s actually 3 going on 4. Not 2 going on 3. He wears 3 T and has since he was 2. Size 9 shoes but I need to get 10s, he’s growing out of the 9s.
He does not like baths or showers. So I take the cowards way out and take him swimming once a week. #momfail
He used to love baths and I’m still sad that a bath tub filled with delightful water and toys sends him into a HUGE screaming fit – I’d say he was traumatized but nothing happened! Ive found he can be stubborn on some things and the best way to ride it out is literally to ride it out. The funny thing is, the best way to calm him down when he sees a luxurious bath all poured for him and he’s screaming red murder is to put his emoji face bathrobe on over his clothes.
Huh? WHY? So you don’t want to take a bath, but you do want the bathrobe….
Speaking of #momfails and eradicating #momguilt there’s a little matter of his nutrition or lack thereof. Now, it’s HORRIBLE like Super Nanny horrible. But it does concern me and I do wish I could let go of my dream of the three of us eating nutritious meals together. Instead we all have different meals. DH is a vegetarian who lives off carbs and crap. I have to now eat meat more often for my anemia and since that takes time to prepare and we only have 2 hours post work, it’s often greek yogurt and chicken strips or Mac n cheese and peas – which he eats around. I have convinced him that edamame are magic popper beans and smoothies are our go-to sneaky foods. But generally speaking, our culinary repertoire sucks.