5dp5dt – Bfp squinter

Hi all – it’s official: I’m pregnant.

I had originally planned to build in a bunch of caveats and acknowledge that I’m “only” pregnant as of “right now”, etc. Because, you know, I wouldn’t dare to get my hopes up! But you know what, I don’t want to do that, it’s not how I feel and the idea of watering down my joy feels like a step back to a sad time and I don’t want to go there again.

I know I don’t want to go there, because it’s exactly where I went last night. I ate a giant slice of cake and that set off the cycle of me being mean to myself and my inner critic went from “you just ate an enormous slice of cake, you’re out of control.” All the way to, “You seem so sure you’re pregnant and you’re preparing yourself for a loss, but have you considered that it’ll be a BFN? You’re due for a BFN. You’ve been too cocky. Smoochie made you cocky. You probably won’t have a second child; you better start preparing yourself for a negative.” (said in a super snide and judgey inner voice.) From there my drill sergeant was pointing out how anxious I was getting and decided I couldn’t handle multiple attempts and I should quit while I was ahead.

It felt horrible. A lot of self-talk is buried beneath the surface, at least it is for me, but this was really in my face. I tried to reframe it, I talked about it with DH and then I went to sleep, determined to treat myself more kindly and to tell my drill sergeant to take a hike.

At some point in the night, I woke up in a frenzy. I had this strong notion and I needed to share it with someone. So I woke up DH and I said: I’m pregnant and I am tired of not trusting my intuition. I know I’m pregnant and tomorrow we’ll see a positive, but it doesn’t matter. I already know, so think of me as pregnant!”

He groggily said, “Okay.” And we both fell back to sleep.

Sure enough, this morning I got a squinter.

But as I said, I already knew in my body and my head was just getting in the way and complicating things. My body is also saying, RELAX with this one. No need to protect yourself from an MC. Just go with it.

So that’s what I’m going to do. Once I had that realization last night, and embraced it, I felt safer and more at ease.

I’m going to need to work really hard to keep my inner critic in check these early weeks, but I want to do that emotional work because in lots of ways, having number two was a chance for me to do pregnancy over again without all that god awful FEAR.

I also wanted to acknowledge, in case someone new to the game or who’s still struggling to get number one reads this: trust me, I get it. It’s hard to see a fellow IVFer getting excited about a second pregnancy and it always seems like it’s a lot smoother the second time around which just makes the person who’s just trying to get or stay PG feel crazy.

I do understand those feelings and they are legit.

I always appreciate blogs that share pregnancy symptoms so I’ll share how I knew.

I knew starting yesterday with the nausea and then later, diarrhea.

My nausea for morning sickness isn’t like regular nausea, there’s a weird mouth component to mine. It’s like my salivary glands are swelling from being so close to throwing up and later on (6 weeks), I usually get a terrible taste in my mouth – like a sinus infection but coppery, too. I called it vomit penny. The salivary glands feel bigger and it just feels like there’s too much in my mouth and the nausea feels like it’s coming from the back of my head. Like a kind of headache nausea, but it’s also in my tummy. It’s hard to describe, but it’s NOT like regular nausea.

Because I have had a full-term pregnancy and have some frame of reference, the other tell tale was my uterus. But I want to emphasize, that pre-transfer I did already feel physically pregnant – so just acknowledging again that these sensations are powerful and tricky.

Still, it has felt like a construction zone/thunder cloud in my uterus for about 48 hours. There’s a heaviness – and an awareness of my uterus I don’t usually have. That could have been meds but it feels so significant – I keep looking down because it feels like it did when I was six months pregnant. Big and full and throbbing. I wear a pair of super high waisted jeans from American Eagle and yesterday they hurt my uterus. It reminded me of that time when you’re about 10-15 weeks pregnant and you can wear your regular pants, but they HURT, so you buy your first pair of maternity pants and spend 2-3 weeks hiking them up; and then one morning you pop and they stay up on their own.

There’s also uterus pain which may be more due to my uterine shape issues? Or fast expansions? I feel it most at night when I lay down on my side. During pregnancy, past the first trimester, if I laid a certain way it felt like I was scrunching my uterus. It was annoying and uncomfortable enough that it prompted me to reposition ASAP. Well, that feeling is happening again, big time. I’ve heard that after one pregnancy your uterus just pops ASAP, and I assume that’s what’s happening. It’s probably getting itself all good and ready to carry a baby.

I also have a regular old headache and I get dizzy standing up or down.

I feel so confident in trusting that this will be okay that I don’t think I’ll need to test again until beta. Which is saying a lot for me. Beta is Oct 5, a little earlier than usual because it’s a long weekend in Canada.

TTYL, nap time

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