The newest bean, whom we call Brother, is doing well. We had a scan at the clinic on Friday – measuring perfectly, normal heart beat, etc. Go brother go!
I’m the worst with predicting the gender of my littles so take it with a grain of salt but I think he’s a boy. Two reasons:
- I have HG again (🤢) and it’s supposed to be worse with girls. This is about the same level as Smoochie, so it seems like a fair conclusion.
- I keep having dreams about little boys. A few days ago I dreamt an 18 month old boy in a diaper just showed up in the house and after a few minutes of watching him wreak havoc, I decided he was mine. I also had a sleep talking dream last night and woke DH up, holding a pair of my pajama pants and told him he needed to make sure our second son had snow pants. All the weirder cuz it only snows 1X per winter on average 😜
The Smooch is doing good. For now he’s very interested in babies, tummies and booboos. THis morning we cuddled by having him nestle under my t- shirt like a baby in my tummy, while he assured me he’s not a baby. We talked about booboos feeding babies and how some babies get fed with both, like him, or just bottles, like me. The biggest impact my pregnancy has had is around my parenting and being so out of it.
Brother has had no cramping, spotting or anything worrisome. Amazing. I still have a scan in 4 weeks at the clinic but I was also allowed to start with my old obgyn too. Perfect. My first appt with her is nov 14.
Sigh. So the Hg returned- no big surprise as it’s an 85%+ chance it’ll come back and I had it with all my longer lasting pregnancies prior to Smooch. The most severe being the twins.
But it still sucks.
I fought it hard this time. I hoped I could get around it, out smart it, etc but it’s taking such a big toll I finally accepted it and am getting the paperwork for short term leave this week.
I’m still processing it though because it’s a real trigger for shame and self judgement.
I fought it because Ivf/losses and pregnancy had a big impact on my career in the past and I was just making big strides to reposition myself into a better situation after returning from mat leave and being put in a job filled with drama and bad blood. I managed, with a ton of hard work, to turn it around despite so much resistance and I really hate what I know will happen next. Weeks out of office for HG, then something else etc so that I’m more out than in and my career takes another big hit because even though we’re not supposed to judge or discriminate against pregnant people we do, mostly by writing them off during pregnancy and/or putting them in shitty positions after they return from mat leave. (I could be ok with being written off during pregnancy as it’s more disruptive in my role to be in and out – but the part that really angers me is the sidelining after maternity leave – I had a kid, I didn’t have a fucking lobotomy).
But you know what? The other half of me says: and?
I know I’ll get written off again and I know when (or if) I return from brother, my career will be set back again by about an additional 3 years, and it’s wrong cuz lord knows I gave 150% after mat leave, but it is what it is.
I can’t control anything but how I respond, and right now, the priorities are Brother and Smoochie. And my response to the situation is to put my health and my family first.